No, I didn’t die suddenly but it sure felt like it. I woke up and felt bad. Then the day went from bad to worse and then I felt like I was dying. It was quite a rapid progression. The next day I went to the doctor first thing. The doctor confirmed my fears. He said I was sick, gave me a diagnosis and medicine and told me to reset for several days.
I tried to sleep. I found myself in a horrible place that was neither waking nor resting. I was being visited by memories from the past. Despair grew, and my spirits plunged into an abyss. Yet, at another level, a small part of me was able to watch this and see some of the emotional baggage that was being shown to me. It was like a tour of the dark emotional baggage that I needed to clear out.
A few hours later, I was still in a sort of delirium but I opened my eyes. The setting sun was shining through the window. It was sparkling. There was a warm glow to the light. I remembered other times when I had a similar feeling. It was like I had entered heaven. All was well and as it should be in the world.
I think that the delirium of a fever stips away the thin veneer separating us from many of our memories. They become more accessible…. for better or for worse. In the past this would simply have been an unpleasant experience to be withstood until things improved. Now, however, I could see it as a very useful experience. It opened a door into my past. It reconnected me with things I can use now. It was almost instructional. Rather like a teacher that doesn’t teach, but rather shows you wordlessly. If you pay attention, words are simply not necessary.