Stop Fighting Your Emotions: The Power of Letting Go
The Gardener's Dilemma: A Story About Resistance
Imagine a gardener fighting against a sturdy weed. The harder she pulls, the more the roots dig in, spreading deeper underground. Many of us approach our emotional baggage the same way – the harder we try to yank it out, the more tenaciously it holds on. This is the paradox of emotional healing: our very attempt to "let go" often strengthens what we're trying to release.
Why "Letting Go" Is Missing the Mark
Sarah, one of my friends (not her real name), came to me frustrated after years of trying to "let go" of her anxiety about public speaking. "I've tried everything," she said. "Positive thinking, affirmations, even trying to forget about it completely. Nothing works."
The problem wasn't Sarah's effort – it was her approach. When we tell ourselves to "let go" of emotions, we're actually sending two contradictory messages to our brain:
- This feeling is bad and needs to be eliminated
- I need to be peaceful and accepting about eliminating it
This internal conflict creates what psychologists call "resistance," and it's like trying to smooth a pond by pressing down on its ripples – you only create more disturbance.
The Kitchen Sink Method: A New Approach to Emotional Healing
Think of your emotions like a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. You have two options:
- Option 1: Put the lid on it, spray air freshener, and pretend it's clean
- Option 2: Roll up your sleeves and deal with each dish individually
Traditional "letting go" approaches often resemble Option 1. We're going to talk about Option 2, but with a crucial twist.
The Practice: Meeting Your Emotions Head-On
Here's a structured approach to genuine emotional healing:
1. The Awareness Phase
First, identify the emotion you're working with. Like turning on the kitchen light to see the dishes, you need to clearly see what you're dealing with.
2. The Sacred Space Setup
Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. This is your emotional workbench.
3. The Deep Dive Technique
- Sit comfortably with your eyes closed
- Begin the head-fanning movement: look over your right shoulder
- Breathe in slowly while moving your head left
- Breathe out while moving right
- As you do this, fully immerse yourself in the memory or feeling
4. The Release Through Acceptance
Unlike traditional approaches, we're not trying to push the emotion away. Instead, we're giving it our full attention, like looking at a photograph with genuine curiosity.
Why This Works: The Science of Emotional Freedom
The combination of physical movement (head fanning), controlled breathing, and emotional acceptance works on multiple levels:
- The bilateral movement helps process emotional memories (similar to EMDR therapy)
- Controlled breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system
- Acceptance removes the resistance that typically keeps emotions stuck
Building Your Emotional Freedom Practice
Remember Marcus, another client who used this technique to work through his fear of failure? He started with small situations – a missed deadline at work – before tackling bigger challenges like career changes. "It's like building a muscle," he told me. "Each session makes you stronger."
Start with manageable emotions and work your way up. You might find that:
- Some emotions resolve in one session
- Others require multiple visits
- Certain themes keep recurring, pointing to deeper patterns
The Path Forward
True emotional freedom isn't about getting rid of feelings – it's about changing your relationship with them. Each emotion you process this way becomes less like baggage and more like a stepping stone on your path to growth.
Remember: You're not trying to empty your emotional backpack. You're learning to carry it with grace, understanding, and eventually, wisdom.
Practice Exercise
Set aside 15 minutes today to try this technique with a minor emotional challenge. Notice how different it feels to approach the emotion with curiosity rather than resistance. Keep a journal of your experiences – this journey of emotional healing often reveals surprising insights along the way.