How a Business Meeting Revealed My Hidden People-Pleasing Behavior
Yesterday I walked into a franchise meeting in Osaka expecting chaos. Instead, I walked out with something far more unsettling than business problems. I discovered I was living a lie about myself.
The meeting went smoothly. Too smoothly. As I reflected on my reactions, one truth hit me like a cold slap: I am a people-pleaser. Not just a little bit, but a full-blown sycophant who desperately wants others to like me.
The Meeting That Became a Mirror
The Smith franchise meeting should have been stressful. I'd been confrontational and stubborn in past meetings with these same people. I'd felt angry and arrogant before. But this time was different.
This time, I caught myself getting excited when answering their questions. I felt a deep need to impress them. The realization shocked me because it was the opposite of how I thought I acted. Yet there it was, clear as day: sycophantic tendencies recognition happening in real time.
The truth hurt because I've always disliked people-pleasers. I judge them harshly. But here's what I've learned over the years: the traits we hate most in others usually live inside us too.
When Your Body Holds the Truth
That evening around 7:30, I worked on these feelings using my scanning breath technique. I did three or four sessions. I felt better afterward, like I'd made progress.
But our bodies don't lie. The next morning, I woke up from a dream with a powerful sensation in my lower left abdomen. It wasn't excitement this time. It was pure, desperate need to please someone. The feeling was so strong it woke me up.
This is how visceral emotional processing works. Your mind might fool you, but your body keeps the score. It holds onto feelings we try to ignore or push away.
The Scanning Breath: A Tool for Processing Deep Patterns
I immediately started working with the scanning breath technique when I woke up. I spent 20 to 30 minutes processing that uncomfortable feeling. Here's how it works:
Simple Steps for Scanning Breath:
- Close your eyes and hold the feeling or memory
- Turn your head to face over your right shoulder
- Slowly inhale as you turn your head to face over your left shoulder
- Exhale as you turn back to the right
- Feel the emotion fully as you breathe and move
This technique helps you explore feelings completely. You might notice where they live in your body. You might remember when you first felt them. The key is going slow and staying with the discomfort.
The Teaching Connection: When People-Pleasing Sabotages Leadership
This discovery explained so much about my past failures. When I taught junior high students, I was terrible at it for years. I wanted to be a good teacher, but I also desperately wanted my students to like me.
I expected my students to be responsible and driven like me. When they weren't, they rebelled against my high standards. This created an impossible situation. I wanted their respect, but I also craved their approval.
The result was disaster. I'd give challenging assignments, then provide easy ways out when students complained. They lost respect for me because they knew I'd back down. My words meant nothing because I wouldn't stick to them.
Teaching authenticity challenges like this happen when we can't choose between being liked and being effective. You can't have both when you're in a leadership role.
The Faceted Gemstone: Why Deep Patterns Keep Returning
Here's what I've learned about overcoming people-pleasing behavior: it's like chiseling a gemstone. Every time you think you've dealt with a pattern, another facet appears. You have to work on each side before the whole thing dissolves.
It's also like waking a sleeping dog. When you disturb the tail, the paws and head wake up too. These emotional patterns run deep. They have many layers and connections.
I thought I'd handled my people-pleasing years ago. But yesterday's meeting proved I was wrong. The pattern was still there, just hiding better.
Facing What We Dislike in Others
The most shocking part wasn't discovering I'm a people-pleaser. It was realizing I'd been in denial about it. I'd known it was there all along, but I didn't want to face it.
We often hate in others what we can't accept in ourselves. I've always found sycophants disgusting. Now I had to admit I was one of them. The recognition was painful but also freeing.
There's something powerful about finally admitting the truth. It stops the exhausting work of pretending to be someone you're not.
Preparing for the Journey: Advice for Fellow Self-Discoverers
If you've just recognized a deep pattern in yourself, prepare for the long haul. Don't expect quick fixes. Emotional healing works more like archaeology than surgery.
What to Expect When Processing Deep Patterns:
- The pattern will return in different forms
- Each return shows you a new aspect to work on
- The discomfort is temporary but necessary
- The benefits are worth the temporary pain
Think of it as waking a sleeping dog. It's scary and uncomfortable, but the dog is all bark and no bite. It can't actually hurt you. In fact, facing these patterns is the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself.
The Gift of Uncomfortable Truth
I can't predict how this discovery will affect me over the next few days. I don't know if I'll be able to access that feeling easily again. But I know I'm on the right track.
Visceral emotional processing through techniques like scanning breath gives us tools to work with these deep patterns. We don't have to stay stuck in behaviors that don't serve us.
The franchise meeting gave me an unexpected gift. It forced me to see past my self-deception. Sometimes the most uncomfortable truths are exactly what we need to grow.
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, take heart. The courage to face your authentic self, flaws and all, is the first step toward real freedom. Your hidden patterns might be uncomfortable to discover, but they can't control you once you see them clearly.
The sleeping dog might bark for a while. But eventually, it will settle down and let you be who you really are.