Letting Go of the Need to Be Liked
The hardest lessons in life are the ones we avoid the longest. They often turn out to be the very lessons we needed to learn first. They're uncomfortable, painful, and persistent—but once learned, they change everything.
This is a story of how one of those lessons followed me from the classroom to the business world, and how a simple practice called scanning breath helped me finally begin to let go of something that had quietly sabotaged me for years: the need to be liked.
Misplaced Effort in a Canadian Classroom
When I started teaching junior high school in Canada, I struggled—deeply. But instead of confronting the real issue, I buried myself in lesson prep, handouts, and materials. I worked night after night, preparing flawless content.
The truth? The content was never the problem.
My real challenge was classroom management, and the root of that problem was emotional: I wanted my students to like me. I was scared to be firm. I mistook likeability for leadership. That’s not a good place to start when you’re standing in front of a class full of teenagers.
I knew what was going wrong, but I had no idea how to fix it. At the time, it felt like an insurmountable wall.
Trapped by Identity and Approval
Wanting to be liked isn’t just a feeling; it becomes an identity. It locks you into behavior patterns that feel polite on the outside, but are self-sabotaging on the inside.
Back then, I thought firmness would make me unkind. I thought saying “no” meant I was mean. But the truth is that being firm and fair is exactly what students respond to; and ironically, they end up liking you more for it.
The problem was, I didn’t know how to be unaffected by other people’s opinions. Not yet.
The Turning Point: Scanning Breath
Now, years later, I’m starting to figure it out—not just for teaching, but for my business. And the tool that’s helping me do it is something I call scanning breath.
It’s not flashy. In fact, it looks kind of odd. You sit quietly, close your eyes, and slowly swivel your head from side to side as you breathe and scan your body for emotional attachment points.
I usually do it in 15-minute sessions, sometimes just 3 to 5 minutes between activities. I don’t do it in front of strangers, but I’ve done it at home around my family; they’ve gotten used to it.
And slowly, this practice is helping me detach: not only from what others think of me, but from who I think I am. That’s where the real freedom starts.
Business Mirrors the Classroom
Running a business has turned out to be just like teaching. It’s not enough to be good at your content. It’s not enough to have a solid online platform or a great lesson plan.
Two things matter most:
- Can you attract students?
- Can you get paid regularly?
And just like in the classroom, my emotional attachments were getting in the way. I hesitated to charge for my work. I overcomplicated systems. I hid behind preparation instead of taking action.
Now that I’m doing scanning breath consistently, I feel freer. I’m acting in new ways. The behaviors that used to define me—especially the ones driven by fear—are fading.
From Hesitation to Relaxed Confidence
One concrete example: checking money.
In Japan, it’s common for students to pay in envelopes. In Canada, that would feel awkward; like a bribe or some kind of secret deal. At first, I didn’t want to look inside the envelope. I thought it showed a lack of trust.
But now, I check the money without hesitation. Students often want me to check it. It’s proper. And because I’m not worried about looking rude or being disliked, I can be direct and relaxed. My energy is calm, so theirs is too.
Emotional Baggage Is Like Groundwater
What I’ve learned is that emotional attachments aren’t removed in one go. They come back—smaller, but still there. Like water slowly seeping into a well after you’ve pumped it dry.
You drain it. It refills. You drain it again. Over time, the water level gets lower. The land stabilizes.
It’s the same with scanning breath. Every day I do it, I feel lighter. The emotional resistance fades. My inner landscape is getting clearer, freer. I'm draining the swamp, and that old, stagnant water is finally being cleared out.
Advice to My Younger Self
If I could speak to my younger self, I’d say this:
“Start scanning breath now. Don’t wait. It will take years to clear these attachments, but once you do, they’re gone for good.”
This work isn’t quick. But the payoff is real. You don’t have to be haunted by the same old fears forever.
Conclusion: Freedom to Act
Letting go of the need to be liked doesn’t mean becoming cold or harsh. It means becoming free. Free to act with clarity, to teach with honesty, and to build something without fear.
As a teacher and a business owner, I’m learning that the bravest work happens inside first. And with every breath, I’m getting closer to the kind of person—and leader—I want to be.